Film Reviews: Flesh is the New Black [Hellraiser, 2022]

 Hellraiser (2022)

[Reader disclaimer: there will be spoilers discussed. Please also be aware that this piece may contain material of a violent or graphic nature].

Curiously, despite the failure of the initial attempt to reboot campy, 80s slashers, it appears that we are in yet again another era of modernity dragging our horror classics kicking and screaming into the 20s - you'll recall, perhaps, that this was first attempted in the late noughties: the problem was that Friday the 13th (2009) and A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) were, to put it politely, abysmal. 

Modern filmmakers lack a crucial ingredient to making these films shine again and that's having an element of camp and fun. So when I heard Hellraiser (1987) was getting a reboot, I was dubious: what makes the original film legendary (other than the spectacular performance from Doug Bradley) is the gooey gore, the angelic soundtrack, the iconic BDSM-inspired outfits that gave us a queer edge to otherwise evil characters. The whole point of Hellraiser is that pain and pleasure intertwine and become something otherly - that's wherein the horror derives.

So, Hellraiser (2022)...how does it compare?

Firstly, I'll note and praise the pros. Jamie Clayton as Pinhead (or known as The Priest in the film) is exquisite. She's strangely alluring, dangerous yet seductive and inquisitive: I'm not saying whether Clayton was better than Bradley, simply that she brought out a different side of the character that we haven't seen before, which I greatly appreciated. 

Following on from Pinhead, I have to acknowledge the other Cenobites (albeit they weren't given enough screentime, in my opinion): the new creatures from Hell come with a flurry of new, grotesquely beautiful designs, including The Gasp (who evidently looks like a mix and match of Deep Throat and Angelique, two iconic cenobites from the original series), The Masque (who may well be a nod to Face from the original books), The Weeper, The Asphyx and The Mother. This new variety of cenobites is definitely an exciting addition, however, some appear for merely seconds of screentime, which was disappointing. I'm surprised Clive Barker hasn't taken a note out of the Thir13een Ghosts (1999) book yet and created an anthology exploring Leviathan lore. 

The soundtrack is okay. Ben Lovett ended up including some of Christopher Young's original score, which I guess was an attempt at being a homage but ended up feeling like a cop-out. The practical effects were surprisingly great but we don't see the best parts of it being applied until the last five minutes of film time. 

And this leads us to the cons: I have absolutely no time for any of the main characters in this film. I did not care about protagonist Riley (played by Odessa A'zion) nor did I care about her resolve to free her gay brother from Hell after she accidentally sacrificed him to the cenobites. There's absolutely no chemistry between any characters, Riley is a scarily-accurate depiction of an addict but there's no sympathy in this writer's soul for her and she gets her comeuppance. If anything, I was annoyed she lives at the end because she says she's reformed and learnt to accept the death of her brother but absolutely none of the plot up until that point indicates this. Perhaps the only highlight of the end was Roland's (Goran Visnjic) transformation into the next cenobite - it felt ethereal and painful at the same time, which is what  this series is all about. 

I'm not saying this was a bad film. It just wasn't great and, at this point in the genre, I only expect greatness from a reboot of something this iconic. It's not as if these film companies only have a few years on their hands to come up with new concepts - Hellraiser premiered nearly 40 years ago. I want to see love in these reboots, a specific attention to detail and ideas that mesh with the original source material. If Nia DaCosta can do it, then surely bigger production companies can. 

Overall rating: 4/10

- K

Film Reviews: Don't Go Down To The Woods Today [Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey, 2023]

Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey (2023)

[Reader disclaimer: there will be spoilers discussed. This piece also contains material of a graphic nature].

I often find myself in the film section of my local supermarket, browsing the most atrocious-looking b-movies you've never heard of. And, even more often, I feel obligated to buy and review the most wretched ones, so we can at least laugh and say hey, someone watched it. 

Unfortunately for me, the recent addition to my ever-growing list of films was Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey (2023), a surprisingly gory little feature laced with the most misogyny I've seen in a horror since Terrifier 2 (2022): yes, the beloved A.A. Milne character from our childhoods has his own horror film and yes, it is as bad as you're imagining. 

We begin with a primitive rendition of the original lore - Christopher Robin with his furry friends in the 100 Acre Woods, playing and laughing like the stories before him...except these creatures aren't actually enchanted, whimsical animals. In fact, they're moreso like anthropomorphic monsters, simply described as "hybrids" (though we're only treated to Pooh and Piglet, so I have to assume the budget couldn't meet the demand for the entirety of the gang). 

After Robin grows up, he moves away to pursue a career and family, leaving Pooh Bear and friends to fend for themselves: sadly, they'd grown accustomed to handouts from their favourite human - with no food left and winter closing in, they resort to cannibalism and Eeyore is the first to kick the bucket. Eeyore got off lightly, really: at least he didn't have to sit through the rest of the non-sensical plot, if you can even call it that.

Fast forward to present day, Christopher Robin returns with his fiancee (Mary) to show her his childhood friends, only to discover that his little, pastoral haven has become a dingy, rundown, almost hick-coded campsite, wherein Piglet now likes to torture people and Pooh gorges himself on lube-like honey and blood. Mary gets her face smashed in, Robin is kidnapped and beaten with what appears to be Eeyore's dismembered tail and everything is terrible.

Surprisingly, Robin's fate is the b-plot of this movie: the main focus is on a group of women, who have come to a cottage near the woods as a getaway retreat, following the protagonist's recent ordeal with a stalker. I'd like to tell you that this group of women are driven, survivalist, empowered characters. I'd like to tell you that. Instead, we have a lesbian couple who have no chemistry, a 'nerd' archetype who puts Shelley Duvall's shrieking to shame and a few others who I honestly cannot remember the names of...which probably indicates just how memorable their characters are. 

As you have probably already guessed, the film dives into the massacre of all the female characters, killed off in gruesome ways one by one. The graphic depiction of women being slaughtered is not new to the genre but this film is arguably so sexist in its killings, as (spoiler alert) Christopher Robin is somehow the only one to survive the ordeal, despite being the catalyst for Pooh's cruel, vindictive nature in the first place.  

Despite its interesting premise, this film fails to deliver on all fronts: it's not nostalgic for fans, it's not entertaining for horror movie-goers, it's not even particularly interesting for people going in with no prior knowledge of the inhabitants of  the 100 Acre Woods. Perhaps this is one to stick on when you're absolutely blasted at the next Halloween party but even then, I don't think inebriation will save this one.

Overall rating: 3/10

- K