The Quarantine Movie Marathon - Part 1

 [Editor's note: Hi all! I know it's been a hot minute since my last post *cough* four months *cough*, but what with moving house, finishing my degree and adjusting to a post-corona dystopia, it's been very hectic for me, as I'm sure it has been for all of you. I just wanted to say thank you for your patience and I hope to post more content soon!]

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

Humble beginnings

Unless you've been living underground (which at this point sounds more favourable), then you'll be fully aware that the world is currently in shambles. 2020 has undoubtedly been the worst year for everybody but that's not what we're going to talk about today, don't worry. 

See, when I was in lockdown, I was living alone in a tiny flat, surrounded by my one true love: my film collection. I found myself realising 'hey, this could be a great opportunity to watch all the films I never got round to watching after I bought them!'...which then diverged into 'hey, why don't I just watch all of them?' A crazy notion, really, when you consider I have nearly 400 films. But it's lockdown, there's nowhere to go and nobody to talk to, so is it really that far of a stretch to save me from boredom?

So, I did. I sat down and, in alphabetical order, I watched every single film I own. In 125 days. Basically, I was still continuing the list after lockdown had ended. And, knowing I hadn't produced content during lockdown, I wrote down my thoughts on every single film in a concise, one sentence summary: today, I'm going to share those thoughts with you, dear reader. Obviously I can't put all of them here, otherwise you'd be reading a novel, so I'm only sharing those that are considered horror films (if you'd like to see other genres, let me know). So if you ever wanted a quick-fire idea of any of these films, then this is the list to go to!

Battle Royale (2000)

0 to C

• 28 Days Later (2002) - The score of this film is phenomenal and we have to stan a WOC being one of the main protagonists and a survivor in a horror film. [8/10]
• 28 Weeks Later (2007) - 28 Days is confined horror, whereas 28 Weeks is mass hysteria and it works so well: also the opening scene is one of the most iconic, chaotic openers I've ever seen in a horror film. [8/10]
• Abel Ferrara's The Driller Killer (1979) - Typical 70s, b-movie smut that has some redeemable qualities in the third act: laughable dialogue, though. [5/10]
• A Bucket of Blood (1959) - Hilariously deluded with a fun concept: I'd love to see a remake of this. [8/10]
• Akira (1988) -  The animation, the characters, the attention to detail with the worldbuilding...*chef's kiss*. [8/10]
• All Cheerleaders Die (2013) - Cringe in places but entirely self-aware and fun: also any horror film with erotic, blood-thirsty women is my cup of tea. [7/10]
• Already Dead (2007) - Terrible dialogue, predictable plot with an almost redeeming ending. [6/10]
• American Mary (2012) -  A strong, unique horror that you can tell is directed and written by women because all of the female characters are likeable and feel real. [8/10]
• A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) - The blood geyser scene: that's it. [9/10]
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985) - I know this is considered to be the outlier of the Elm Street franchise but I think it really ups the ante in terms of creativity and the manifestation of fear; a horror that every baby-gay should see. [8/10]
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) - Arguably the coolest Freddy Krueger monsters of all seven films with a bangin' soundtrack. [8/10]
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) - I like that they gave Freddy more agency in this film and made him more camp: there's no such thing as too much camp. [7/10]
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) - The worst of the seven films: it tries too hard, which is disappointing to see. [5/10]
• Apollo 18 (2011) - Not as awful as I remember when I reviewed it last but I'm still giving it a low score. [5/10]
• A Quiet Place (2018) - Masterful use of sound; I definitely cried at Jim getting fucking GOT. [8/10]
• Battle Royale (2000) - The Japanese have certainly mastered the combination of absurd and horrifying with really fleshed-out characters. Hunger Games could never, bitch. [9/10]
• Bear (2010) -  The best scenes are where people are getting fucking mauled, just so you don't have to hear the atrocious dialogue anymore. [3/10]
• Bite (2015) - The storylines are entirely too predictable but the body horror is fun to watch and I will give credit where credit is due: the sfx are impressive. [7/10]
• Black Death (2010) - Nice plot twists but a really fucking bleak ending; Sean Bean dies again. [7/10]
• Black Swan (2010) -  Natalie's performance is so damn good and she deserved her Oscar for it; Aronofksy is one of my all-time faves, so I'm a bit biased here in saying it's a magnificent example of cinema. [9/10]
• Black Xmas (2006) - 'Meh' ending, more entertaining drunk with friends, I imagine. [6/10]
• Braindead (1992) - A guilty pleasure film because it's so fucking gross and funny, plus I challenge you to find a horror that's as inventive with its gore as Braindead is. [9/10]
• Candyman (1992) - The soft lighting, screams and orchestral soundtrack, accompanied with a dramatic soliloquy makes for a very out-of-body experience but in a good way;  a staple of horror cinema, though I hope the remake fixes the mistakes of the original. [8/10]
• Carnival of Souls (1962) - Creepy imagery and a good ending, though I found the soundtrack to be obnoxious at times. [7/10]
• Case 39 (2009) - Your average Hollywood cash-grab: something to stick on whilst you're hoovering. [4/10]
• Cassadaga (2011) - Creative serial killer but problematic plot-line: LGBTQ+ individuals should avoid this at all costs. [4/10]
• Cell (2016) - Stupid fucking movie that I hate with a passion; Y'ALL DID STEPHEN KING DIRTY. [2/10]
• Chernobyl Diaries (2012) - This could've been a good film, had it been written and executed better. [5/10]
• Creature from the Black Lake (1976) - The storyline and characters are pretty uninteresting and the reveal of the creature is less terrifying humanoid and more discount Bigfoot. [4/10]
• Creep (2014) - I fucking adore this movies because it's one of the first that unsettled me upon first viewing, which is a hard thing to do; Mark Duplass is a great actor. [8/10]
• Creepshow (1982) - The lovechild of King and Romero, segments reminiscent of Argento's cinematography and cameos from both King and Savini? If you haven't watched Creepshow, you aren't a real horror fan. Simple. [8/10]
• Cronos (1993) - I love Del Toro and everything he does: his films are gothic and disturbing and yet you can feel how lovingly they were written and made. [7/10]

Next week: D to F

- K